Some 80% of all married people hide some purchases from their mates, according to a 2010 survey by CESI Debt Solutions. (And men are actually somewhat more likely to routinely do so than women.)
But just because it's common doesn't mean it's right. Experts say that little green lies do have the potential to damage your finances and your relationship. Fortunately there are ways to keep your marriage whole without revealing every dime you spend.
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Why We Keep Secrets
Putting aside any pathology (like an addiction or compulsion), the reason most couples hide what they spend is simple: "You're avoiding conflict or criticism from your partner," says psychologist Brad Klontz, co-author of Mind Over Money.
Secret Spenders Fess Up
Most money fights start with finger-pointing -- "How could you spend $300 on a new sweater/Blu-ray player?" -- but the object and price aren't really the issue, Klontz says. You're really arguing about a clash of values. Rather than talk about these differences in advance of buying something, it's often easier to sweep purchases under the rug.
When It's a Problem
Given that fudging may prevent fights, you might argue that there's a place for discretion, and you'd be right -- up to a point. "All couples need privacy," says Barbara Nusbaum, a New York City psychologist who focuses on money issues. But you must balance that need with the need for accountability. "Not telling is fine," adds Klontz, "as long as you don't start deceiving."
Some couples manage their spending without sharing anything, Klontz explains. If they've agreed to operate autonomously, that's acceptable. On the other hand, choosing not to tell your spouse about purchases without an explicit agreement to practice nondisclosure is a form of deception, he says, and that can be ruinous to the relationship.
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If you're not sure where your behavior falls, "ask yourself, 'If my partner found out, would this damage the trust between us?' " says Nusbaum. The most dire signal is that your habits are hindering progress toward your common goals. Other red flags: You hide bills or receipts, you have an account your mate doesn't know about, or you've involved the kids by saying, "Don't tell Mom/Dad."
How to Make Privacy Work
Every couple should articulate a privacy policy -- whether that means a dollar amount you can spend at one time, a monthly stash of mad money, or certain categories (kids or work expenses) that don't require discussion. Then set up a trial period of 30 days, says Klontz, "because you'll probably want to renegotiate."
If one or both of you have a long history of hiding, you'll also need to discuss the gap between your values. Don't dwell on purchases or amounts, says Nusbaum, but each express what's behind your spending, like helping family or enjoying down-time. That can aid understanding.
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Above all, you must accept that you may never fully persuade your partner over to your side of the aisle -- which is why, Klontz says, "it's important to stop trying to convince each other and move toward a workable compromise."
I'm a Secret Spender
 ©Hannah Shaner |
| Hannah Shaner with her most recent secret score: brown boots. |
Hides her shoes
I'm not even married yet, but I already hide some of my purchases from my live-in boyfriend. We're saving up for a house, and we both work hard -- I just need to de-stress and reward myself with shoes every so often.
Men don't understand the need for the shoes we already have, let alone the new ones we need to buy. So why showcase I'm spending money on something he'll never understand?
Of course, nine times out of ten, he doesn't buy the whole, "But honey, I've had these for years" bit, but I can get away with a few here and there. And I do.
 ©Clint Cantwell |
| Clint Cantwell says his barbeque contests are extremely important to him, despite the cost. |
Hides his meat receipts
I am a competition BBQ cook so I spend $200-$300 per contest times 10-12 contests a year. My wife just thinks I'm nuts. So I'll often keep receipts from my wife after shopping for meat.
It just keeps me out of trouble. She doesn't have to know that the steaks are prime sirloin.
I'm sure she would rather I spent less money on meat and more money on clothes for the kids and gifts for her.
 ©Rochelle Peachey |
| Rochelle Peachey calls it the "had it for ages" syndrome. |
Oh, but I've had these *forever*
I hide shoes (and clothes sometimes) because I have too many and I don't need them but I can't resist. If they are calling out my name then I buy them. I will wear them and without doubt my husband will say "they are new" and I answer no, then together (because he has heard it so often) we say "I have had them for ages." We call it the "had it for ages" syndrome.
My husband does it too -- he buys things online and hopes I won't be home when the UPS man comes.
 ©Leslee Kelly |
| Leslee Kelly says it's fun to have a little mystery in her marriage. |
Manolos and beauty treatments
I think it's kind of fun to have a little mystery. When I go and splurge on Jimmy Choos or Manolos, I never ask for the box, I bring a big enough purse and just put them in my bag. I put them under the carpet in my car and wait until [my husband] is walking the dog and then they make it into the closet. After so many pairs, it's hard to hide them.
But my beauty treatments are my biggest weakness. I have lots of jewelry too, that's another one of my weaknesses and then some.
 ©Deborah Lomax |
| Debbie Lomax says there's no better place to hide her splurges than under the tree. |
Gives herself 'gifts' under the tree
I have three kids. They are always needing clothes or shoes and I totally buy them on the sly. When the American Express bill comes, then I get in trouble. I'll use my mother's credit card and give her cash from the groceries. I stash things in the guest bedroom. Christmas is a great time to bring extra gifts and purchases into the house. I can slip purchases in under the tree. Santa always is very generous. But I get why my husband's upset, I definitely over shop.
 ©Alicia Hunter |
| Alicia Hunter hears about secret spending all the time at her salon in Palm Beach Gardens, Fla. |
Secret checking accounts
I own a beauty business and I can tell you most of my clients, upon paying for beauty services, make remarks about paying with a secret checking account, cash or a secret credit card -- all in the name of preventing their husbands from discovering their spending. Their husbands love the way they look they just don't realize how much it costs to look like that.
But their husbands most likely do secret spending of their own. I have no idea what golf clubs, rounds of golf, or nights out with the guys run them, but I doubt they're free either.
Learn more about Secret Spenders and What They Hide
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